We’re always told that exercise helps, it’s good to exercise, we should exercise…
But what about when this is dictated to you in your mind… So now you HAVE TO, every day, then every hour, then every minute.
A simple walk, what could be so harmful about that?
I dreaded it as I knew when I stepped outside, I was being fully controlled & I wouldn’t be able to stop. It was like the more I obeyed, the stronger the commands became.
Once walking for 8 hours, until my feet were bleeding, but then I could stop… Thank goodness.
I became obsessed, each day having to walk more & more.
It meant I was eating the full meal plan, participating in therapy, but pleasing the illness. And I could cope.
But if something or someone stopped me from going for those walks, all hell let loose & you did not want to be that person in the way!
The main memory from this, is when my parents had to lock the doors and block me from leaving the house. They knew I wasn’t safe to go on this walk. The screaming crying, hitting & kicking brings tears to my eyes writing this. And I know they still find this one hard to remember too.
In some cases, the walk did lead to more of a destructive path. A memory I will share later on.
When I moved to Malta, I had to walk A LOT to build up my work… but it was so different, not possessed or controlled, a feeling I can’t explain. And the fact I didn’t become addicted again from this, meant everything to me & knowing how far removed I now am from the illness
Now I have my car… and well lets just say, if I can park one space closer to where I need to be, I will!
Tonight, I walked arm in arm with my family down the streets of Valletta, laughing & smiling on the way to an Indian restaurant… Never thought I’d see the day, and I can’t explain how much this means to all of us